My First Day at Improv Class

My name's Nate, a bored computer programmer who's recently decided to try out acting. I signed up for an informal Introduction to Acting class, show up the first day, and meet my peers, all armed with theater resumes and drama degrees. The teacher pairs me up with Drew, who recently scored two lead roles, and announces my partner and I will explore the third sphere with improvisation. The third sphere? Did I miss a class? Am I in the right building?

Teacher: "Okay, let's get started. Nate, hmm. Let's say you're a cab driver. Drew, the passenger, you're upset because you guys' vehicle just got a flat tire. You're both standing on the side of a busy highway, staring at the car. Drew, your flight leaves in five minutes."

[silence]

Me: "So, like, we start now or--"
Teacher: "No, no, Nate, first find your feelings. Then find your need."
Me: "Um. My need? Did I miss a class?"
Drew: [deep breathing]
Teacher: "Shh, Drew's getting into character."

[silence]

Me: "So when I've found my feelings, what, do I raise my hand or--"
Drew: "THIS F@$!ING PIECE OF S#@T TAXI CAB! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!"
Me: "Whoa, Drew. Oh, so we're starti--"
Drew: "WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING?! MY PLANE IS LEAVING IN ANY MINUTE AND YOU'RE JUST STANDING THERE WITH YOUR HANDS IN YOUR POCKETS?!"
Me: "Oh right. The plane. Uh. Hmmmmm. Welp."

[silence]

Drew: "Maybe I can flag down another taxi here along the road."
Me: "Uh. Yeah, good idea. I'll just... hmm... I'll just stand here. And help wave."

[silence]

Drew: "They gotta be whizzing by at 70 miles per hour; there's no way any will stop."
Me: "Um. But. Hmm, yeah, you're right..."

[silence]

Drew: "This is just great. My plane's probably taking off right now. It's probably that one up in the sky."
Me: "Yeah... probably. Yeah, you're right, there's a good chance the one up in the sky is probably the one-- yeah, that really just flat out sucks."

[silence]

Drew: "And--"
Me: "You know-- oh sorry. You were going to say something?"
Drew: "Go ahead."
Me: "You know. You're supposed to leave two hours check in time
before a departure."

Teacher: "And scene. That was great Drew, way to use the third sphere."

Hungover at the Dinner Table

This may just be me, but occasionally I find it more comfortable listening to fingernails scratching a chalkboard than sitting through one of my family dinners. Especially if you've just gotten back from your best friend's all-weekend bachelor party to greet your hard-of-hearing grandparents (Mom Mom and Pop Pop). Enjoy...


Pop Pop: How was the wedding?
... silence ...
Mom: Nathaniel?
Me: Huh? What? What’s going on?
Mom: Pop Pop is asking you a question.
Me: Oh, what’s that Pop Pop?
Mom Mom: Our dinner was so nice yesterday!! I wonder how much those orchids were, don’t you, Ida?
Me: Pop Pop?
Pop Pop: Heuh!
Mom: I’m sure they weren’t cheap, Loretta. POP POP, NATE WAS ASKING YOU A QUESTION...
Mom Mom: Betty got a new orchid FORTY FIVE DOLLARS CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!
Me: Mom Mom, Mom, you’re both yelling into my ears.
Pop Pop: What about my ear?
Mom Mom: No HIS EAR. He was talking about HOW I WAS YELLING INTO HIS EAR.
Me: Um, and you still are Mom Mom. Does anyone else hear a high pitch ringing?
Mom: Nathaniel, Pop Pop’s hard of hearing
Pop Pop: I can hear perfectly fine!
Dad: What kind of orchid was that, Loretta?
Mom: Al, you’re interrupting. Nate, ask your question.
Me: No, Dad can talk right now I don’t care. Wait. I had a question?
Mom: It was about the wedding...
Mom Mom: It was a Carna… a um. A Catty…
Me: I had a question about a wedding?!? I have no idea what’s going on.
Mom: DAD YOU WERE GOING TO ASK NATE ABOUT THE WEDDING?
Me: Mom, seriously. The yelling.
Dad: A Cattelya, Loretta?
Pop Pop: Whose wedding?
Me: Is it just me, or are the lights really bright in this room?
Mom Mom: A what?
Mom: The wedding Nate was at.
Dad: A Catellya.
Pop Pop: Oh. How was the wedding, Nate?
Me: It was a bachelor party, Pop Pop. It was great. Lots of fun.
Pop Pop: A what party?
Mom Mom: A cat what?
Al: A CATELLYA. IS THAT THE NAME OF THE ORCHID BETTY GOT? A *CATELLYA* LORETTA?
Mom: NO HE SAID *BACHELOR* PARTY. IT ACTUALLY ISN’T A WEDDING. DID YOU HAVE A BACHELOR PARTY BEFORE YOUR WEDDING POP POP?
Me: Oh my god.